The white coats enter her room

silvergaze @ 2006-11-26T02:40:00

2006-11-26T10:40:40Z

And just to let you know LJ, my password is not easy to guess. It's not even a real word! So there!

silvergaze @ 2006-11-11T17:57:00

2006-11-12T01:57:10Z

So, it's a little adjustment living with the new sister-in-law. I say living with because, although for the most part she and my brother stay in their house, they still roam in and out of this house as often as they like. Sometimes they'll spend the whole day here, which I gotta say gets on my nerves. Not that I don't like the in-law. I mean sometimes she can get a little weird and/or immature, but that's beside the point. The point is I just feel more crowded and it feels like my privacy is threatened that much more. Not so fun.

I'm gonna let the in-law cut my hair. I guess if I were more of a girl I'd care more about letting an unlicensed beautician who just graduated beauty school cut my hair, but I don't. It's not like I want her to style it. In fact, she couldn't style it if she tried. My hair doesn't do that. My hair just sits there and waves the finger at all beauty products and regimines, except for five hundred dollar chemical straightenings of course, but other than that, nothing.

The show has been going well. We're in rehearsals and we finally got the last three people cast yesterday. That's a cast of 29 people. Blegh. Thank fuck I'm not doing the schedule for this show. THANK FUCK! Props are progressing. There's about 90 props on the list so far. I think I'm a good two thirds of the way through it, so that's good. Still have a lot of work to do though.

I'm going to go eat and watch tv now. Today's my day off and I'm lazy.

silvergaze @ 2006-11-06T23:25:00

2006-11-07T07:25:40Z

Fucking actors! Why do you agree to be in a show when you don't have any time to do it?! You're waisting all our precious time and energy you fucktwists!! You're so goddamn full of yourselves!!!

Exercise

2006-10-29T07:22:30Z

The thing about exercising is, yes I hate doing it most of the time and it's hard as hell to get off your ass especially when you're depressed, but there are some times, not very rare mind you, that I actually do feel like working out, and it actually feels good and invigorating, especially when no one is there dictating how hard you work. Through the years I found that if I find a good steady pace in my work out, something that I can keep up with for a long period of time, then those bursts of energy come in intervals and I end up pushing myself, and voila! I get a work out. It all feels very natural and very satisfying. I control how long I work and how hard I work. Now, that goes against all the things they taught in those P.E. classes I took, and against anything I've ever learned about exercising in general from society. If anything, they've taught me that I need a trainer, plain and simple. Someone who's going to push me beyond what I ever thought my body could handle. But that's probably the worst thing I can do to myself because if someone's hanging over me, constantly watching me work out and monitering everything I do, then I'd instantly get thrown into my panic attack mode and I'd retreat into myself and then into food, and then I'd give up and go off exercise for another couple of years. Seriously, I think those P.E. classes in middle school were probably the reasons that, not only do I not exercise regularly, but I'm also horribly ashamed of myself and the way I look when I'm exercising. I was always the one in P.E. who was the last, or one of the last ones straggling behind when we went for a run. And of course everyone who finished early got to stand around and ~~laugh~~ watch us fat asses huff and puff and have a heart attack as we struggled to get to the finish line. Then afterwards everyone would ask around, "what was your time? what was your time?" I guess people felt better about themselves if their time was lower than anyone else's. So of course people always asked me what my time was and I always had some huge number that I was very embarrassed about.

One of my biggest dreams in life has always been to be a good runner. It's actually the most recurring dream I have. And it's funny because in every running dream I have, I always think to myself, "I've finally done it! I've finally become a good runner!" Then I think, "Wait, am I dreaming? Because I know I always have a lot of running dreams...NO, I'm not dreaming! I really CAN RUN!!" And it's all very empowering and it just feels like freedom at last. I've never been a good runner. Never. As a kid I always sat out when the other kids played tag because I knew I could never keep up with them. I think probably the biggest goal I could ever set for myself is to become a good runner. One of those people who could just go for a two mile run in the morning and still have enough energy to go through their day. If I could accomplish that then I'd know I could accomplish almost anything.

They say that kids learn from their parents about exercising habits. That's not true. My dad has been going to the gym at least five times a week since I don't know when, but certainly as long as I've been alive. My mom use to work out too. I remember having a family gym membership like when I was five or six, and my mom always took the aerobics classes while me, my brother, and my dad swam in the pool. And fuck, even then I remember being self conscious and ashamed of my body in a bathing suit. Hell, now that I think of it I can remember being younger when I still hated my body. I took one of those ballet/tap classes where they made you wear those tights and leotards, and I remember looking around and realizing that I was by far the biggest and fattest girl there. I loved that class, but I pulled out because I was too uncomfortable with my body. To this day I wish I would have stayed in that class. Not that I wish I was a hardcore dancer, but I wish I could just dance for fun. But anyway, my point was that if my parents were/are regular exercisers, then how come it never rubbed off on me?! Sure, my mom has always struggled with her weight and ever since dad moved out she stopped exercising and watching her weight altogether, but that didn't happen until I was like twelve or thirteen. So I don't know what the fuck is up with that. All I know is I'm sick of being fat.

And now I'm hungry. I'm going to go eat a rice cake. Take that, fat Kristina motherfucker!

Random thoughts flying out of my ass

2006-10-12T20:21:16Z

Somehow I thought they were going to show the Project Runway finale yesterday. They kept saying a two hour special season finale. I guess I assumed those two hours were going to be on the same night. Silly me.

I've gotten several invites this week to different shows that people are doing, and I would love to go to all of them, except I don't have anyone to go with. So instead, I think I'll just sit here all by myselves.

This reception/get-together thing we're having for my brother's wedding is turning out to be a bigger to-do than we all expected. The decoration commity delegated the responsibility of making the banner to me. That means I'm drawing a bigger size version of the little picture that was on the invitations, then copying the same font from the invitation, then pasting a poster size picture of the newly weds to be. I should work on that today. After I get me some ~~crack~~ Starbucks.

Brother left for Idaho yesterday. He'll be back Sunday night.

I absolutely love the weather lately. It's starting to get cooler and my favorite season is so near. Death to summer!

silvergaze @ 2006-10-08T15:06:00

2006-10-08T22:08:19Z

I just got an email from the director from hell and he said he won't be able to come to closing night cuz he's sick with some sort of virus. I know I'm awful for saying this, but I couldn't be happier!!

silvergaze @ 2006-10-08T13:29:00

2006-10-08T20:56:04Z

One of my many guilty pleasures:

Those MTV challenge shows with the casts from Real World and Road Rules. They're starting a new one this week and I'm looking forward to it. I like the drama, what can I say? It's also a really convenient show for me cuz they reshow each episode about a thousand times a week so I'm sure not to miss it. The same goes for Project Runway. I haven't been home regularly on the same night for a little over a year, yet I have seen every episode of all three seasons.

silvergaze @ 2006-10-02T00:24:00

2006-10-02T07:35:19Z

Yesterday morning I woke up with a bit of a tummy ache and it hasn't gone away since. It feels like I've got this big sack of gas inside my stomache and when I move around it puts pressure on my organs and it's just uncomfortable and it hurts to laugh or cough. If I wasn't celibate I'd swear I was pregnant. At first I thought I probably just needed to spend a long time in the bathroom, but that didn't help at all. So now I'm just confused as to what's going on.

silvergaze @ 2006-09-28T00:27:00

2006-09-28T07:27:49Z

I've been wanting to cut my hair so badly for a long time now, but the only reason I don't go to get it cut is cuz I dread sitting in that salon chair for so long and trying to keep the conversation going with the hair dresser and then having everyone stare and gather around me like I'm an alien or something and then announce to the world that I have a ton of hair, the likes of which they've never seen before. I wish I could just take some scissors to it right now. Actually, right now I just wish I were bald.

silvergaze @ 2006-09-26T12:51:00

2006-09-26T19:52:15Z

It seems like the more I, or others, or society, tells me that I shouldn't eat junk food, the more I do it. Like OCD style. And to the extreme too. It's insane. I HATE myself for that. I've never been a drug addict before, but I imagine this is what it's like.

silvergaze @ 2006-09-20T11:32:00

2006-09-20T18:39:00Z

I just remembered the dream I had last night and I can't stop laughing.

I had a penis! No balls, just a penis. And in this world it was perfectly normal and all women had a penis as well as a vagina. The more I tried to get my penis hard, the more it grew and grew until it literally nearly touched the floor. At that point I did what any woman would have done and tried to penetrate myself, but it just wouldn't do because it wouldn't get hard and it made me so frustrated!

I can't stop laughing about it. I can still remember the feeling of that extra long penis dangling between my legs. LMFAO!

silvergaze @ 2006-09-18T13:46:00

2006-09-18T20:56:31Z

So I did end up getting that SM job in Hollywood. It ended up being one nightmare after another, and one 14 hour day after another, but I got through it and we opened the show last Friday and today is my first day off in two weeks. The last two weeks have been a huge pain in the ass with the worst director I've ever worked with. But the good news is I just have three more weekends and I get $500. Yay!

My brother's wedding is back on as originally scheduled. *roll eyes* In fact, he brought his fiance here to stay with us for a week. I didn't mind it at first since I wasn't home all last week, but today I was so looking forward to being alone and stuffing my face with junk food and blasting music and dancing and just getting in touch with my inner sloth. But she's still fucking here. And not only that but we're alone in the house together. My brother's at school all day and my mom's at work, so it's just me and her. I had thought that she would want to stay in the guest house, which will be her house in a little over a month, but no. For some reason she's hanging around in this house. Her and my brother hang around this house much more than they do in the guest house, which leads me to believe that even after they get married, they won't be using the guest house for anything except for a closet and a place to sleep. I'm hoping that won't be the case cuz if it is then I'll go crazy.

I think I need to get out of here. I'm just too uncomfortable. I'll pretend like I need to go run some errands or something, but in reality I think I'll just go to Starbucks and take my book with me. Hmmm....yeah.

silvergaze @ 2006-05-11T13:32:00

2006-05-11T20:42:13Z

Lots to say, lots to get off my chest, but alas, so little time to say it in. I'll have to leave all that for another day, hopefully on a day not too far away. All I'm saying now is I'm in the final stretch, the last big push of the semester. I'll be closing my show this weekend, then right after strike I'll be heading for rehearsal for Steel Magnolias. Somewhere in there, probably tomorrow, I have to study for finals and read and write my papers. I'm hanging in there! See you later LJ!

silvergaze @ 2006-04-21T22:00:00

2006-04-22T05:02:47Z

Mother fucker!!!! My mom came home early!!!!

silvergaze @ 2006-04-21T21:26:00

2006-04-22T04:33:39Z

Research papers are much easier to write than analytical papers. Just gather the info and rewrite it all so that it isn't plagiarism. I'm on my fourth page already! Genius!

On an unrelated note, I feel like a may be getting sick, and my arm has been hurting for the last few days and I have no idea why. Whenever I flex it in or out too much then I get this awful pain in my elbow. Could I have arthritis?

silvergaze @ 2006-04-21T14:38:00

2006-04-21T22:09:50Z

My mom went on a road trip with two of her sisters to visit her brother. I have the whole house to myself for two whole days! Weeee!!

It's so peaceful. Today my plan is to *sigh* work on my research paper. Again!! But seriously this time!! It's really gonna start getting crazy maybe next week, but definately the week after that, and I'll have no time to be worrying about this damn paper. And I know pretty soon we're going to get the criteria for our final exam/paper. Don't ask me how that's going to get done cuz I have no clue.:\

Pedicure

2006-04-16T00:08:32Z

I just painted my toenails for the first time in I think one and a half years. What brought that on? I don't really know. I did get new sandals yesterday, but I wear sandals every summer (in my mind it's already summer) and I never paint my nails. Of course, I always feel like a weirdo for not doing it since it seems like every woman on the planet paints them regularly except for me, but I can't help it. I can never get use to it. Now that I think about it, I'm probably just procrastinating. The teacher just sent out another homework assignment yesterday and I'm trying to work on it, but I keep getting distracted. Thus my out of the blue pedicure. I fucking hate writing. With a passion. *grumble*

silvergaze @ 2006-01-04T00:16:00

2006-01-04T08:46:05Z

My brother just left to his friend's house and tomorrow he's going to take a road trip with them up to Idaho. In other words, he has officially moved out. I'm happy on one hand but sad on the other. Well, hey, at least this time we can call each other, not like when he was on his mission. There's still a lot of his shit that needs to be cleared away. Don't know when I'll get the chance to do that.

So Christmas. The 24th was okay. I woke up feeling sick and it just got worse as the day went on, but other than that it was quick and not as stressful as usual, what with so few presents. Christmas Day was miserable just because I was so sick. I got better and better with each passing day and now I only have a little cough. New Years was uneventful. Mother and brother were here. It was pretty boring. Rehearsals kick into high gear on Thursday. I'm going prop shopping tomorrow to as many thrift stores as I can find. Wish me luck, because really the props are the only things stressing me out right now. I'm hoping these next few weeks aren't going to be too stressful. We'll just have to wait and see.

On a completely unrelated note, I just tried on some earrings my mom left by the computer and to my suprise my peirced ears have not yet closed up. I can't even remember when was the last time I wore earrings. How do people wear dangling earrings anyway? They tickle my cheek like mad.

Hopefully I'll have time to play on the computer within the next few weeks, but if not, I'll see yuz guys later.

Another rooster?!?!

2005-12-20T09:38:22Z

Excuse me but the last time I looked around we were living in the city, not the farm! What is it with people owning so many roosters around here?! I mean a chicken maybe I'd understand for to make eggs, but a rooster? Thankfully the neighbor who owns said rooster is on the opposite side of the house from my room and the other neighbor who ownes a rooster is a few houses down.

Why people why?

silvergaze @ 2005-12-03T22:50:00

2005-12-04T06:57:50Z

For the last few weeks in my Physiology class we've been studying how bad it is to eat too much sugar. I've been leaving every Physiology class vowing to eat healthy from then on, and I'll go for about half a day eating healthy. But then come dinner time all hell breaks loose and it's like the very thought of eating healthy sends a panic alert to my brain which then sends the signal to the rest of my body to eat as much horrible junk food as humanly possible. It's disgusting, it really is.

I'm sleepy and I'm fat

2005-11-04T08:43:53Z

Why are midterms neverending this semester? We're not even in the middle of the term anymore. That was like three weeks ago. Oh well. One more nasty paper to do then I can start focusing on homework and even finals.

I started working on this show for a little black box theater. I will be grossly underpaid for it, but ah. At least I'll have somewhere to go on the weekends.

Still very worried for my future after graduation. Have no plan. I am dead. More and more I'm beginning to get used to the idea of being a shopping cart lady out on the streets. Either that or else live with my mom for the rest of my life.

I'm so excited for HP4 to come out. I've already planned out when I'm going to see it. I'm going to look like such a geek loner all by myself as usual, but I'm going to make sure I go to some obscure theater so I won't see anyone I know and no one I know will see me. These things take planning, see. But anyways, I'm looking forward to it lots. *snort*

Thanksgiving is at our house this year. Of course my only worry for this is whether or not my cousin Jennifer will come. Last year she didn't. Hopefully she won't this year either. God I'm horrible.

I am not looking forward to writing my stupid paper. I think the teacher for that class hates me. He seems to always grade me harder than everyone else. It may be because I haven't turned in a lot of the homework, but fuck him, I don't care, and I don't like him either. He always makes these comments that teeter on the edge of antifeminism and antiyouthism (if that's even a word), and the rest of the class just laughs and nods like a bunch of kiss asses. And plus his classes are just boring. It's a class about fairy tales. I don't know, but shouldn't a class about fairy tales be fun? Or at least interesting? He makes us write a one page paper for every class. For any normal student this might not be a problem, but for someone who is retarded and slow in the ways of reading and writing, this is really annoying. This is why I haven't turned in a lot of the papers. But I do need to turn in my midterm paper on time cuz he won't except it after the due date and blah blah...I'm so over it! Give me winter vacation already!

I'm sleepy and I'm fat. I'm going to bed.

silvergaze @ 2005-10-27T16:36:00

2005-10-28T00:45:11Z

Stupid wisdom tooth has been ripping through my gums for the last two days and it hurts like a bitch. It looks like half of the tooth is protruding out of the gum. I just feel like ripping off the rest of the gum just to be done with it already! The pain isn't letting me enjoy my Thursday. I like my Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester cuz I get to wake up late, I still have to go to a boring ass class, but then I get to come home at 2pm, which means that when I get home no one is at home and it's been so long since I've gotten some time for myself, so I really enjoy it.

My dad just came by and gave me some money, which I'm frantic about cuz I've been broke for so long. There was absolutely no reason for it, which makes me feel bad because just the night before I was a bit pissed off at him because he made a few comments that made me feel like even lower shit than I am. First he said something like, "I can't believe you're still in school. I didn't think you were going to last in college." Oh geez dad, tell me what you really think of my intelligence why don't you. Then he started saying how amazed he was that my brother always stays so late at school. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I just spend the last two months staying at school until at least 10:30pm, at least five days a week? My brother stays until 7pm two times a week. He has enough time every day to watch hours of tv and to take a long nap and he's getting praised? Give me a break.

Oh look, now I've turned into Frank Grimes from the Simpsons, talking about how my brother gets everything so easy and I work hard and don't get shit. It's true though, he does. I'm convinced he's in cahoots with God, what with his religious practices and all. It make sense.

FUCK!!! MY FUCKING GUMS HURT!!! NEED PAINKILLERS NOW.

She's back

2005-10-25T23:38:52Z

LJ feels like such a warm and cozy safety zone, especially after not being able to look at it for so long. I finally got caught up on my flist. Well most of it anyway.

Blah school

2005-09-04T02:19:52Z

The first week of school was HECTIC. I'm hoping things will get a little easier now that some of the chaos has died down. Thank goodness for three day weekends though. I need to use it to catch up on all my homework and hopefully to get ahead for next week's homework load, since I find that I have very little time, if any, during the week to work on it. Next week we move rehearsals to the theatre downtown, which worries me a little cuz it cuts out even more time out of my day to get there, what with all the traffic and all. It's already cutting it close to when class ends and when rehearsals start each day, but once tech week and performances start, I'm going to have to cut the last 20 or 30 minutes of Physiology Lab. I hope the teacher will understand, especially cuz I'll have to do that for 5 weeks. Lucky I only have that class once a week.

Over the summer, the school came up with a brilliant idea to solve the horrendous parking situation. They decided to build another parking structure. That's great that they're finally making an effort and all, but building this parking structure means closing off nearly all of one of the biggest parking lots on campus for at least a full year. Way to go geniuses! Let's solve the parking problem by getting rid of a thousand parking spaces! Now parking is damn near impossible! You either got to get to school really early or else get there an hour before class and then maybe you'll be able to ~~stalk~~ follow a student who's finished for the day to their car. I have to deal with this on Tuesdays and Thursdays now. It's miserable. I won't even be around to use the parking structure when it's finished. *raspberry*

But I'd rather not think about that during my precious weekend. I'll just work quietly on my homework. Well, maybe I'll keep listening to therapeutic Tori Amos and take a look at my flist first.

silvergaze @ 2005-08-29T01:05:00

2005-08-29T09:27:12Z

OMG, I feel like a crazy stalker now. I just Googled my old crush's name and found a picture of him in the play that made me ~~fall in love with~~...um...like him. *rightclicksave* And I remember seeing that exact picture in some press release pamphlet and I wanted it really bad but there were only so many and they were being sent out to certain people. But now I have it and I feel evil for it. But hey, now I have something to masterbate to, yeah?/TMI

I start school tomorrow and I just want to piss and moan like a baby. I hate waking up early in the morning and I hate pulling 12+ hour days. And I also hate how fucking hot it's been over here the last few days. That's gonna make it more miserable at school cuz you gotta walk 15 minutes uphill to get to class and by the time you get there you're all sweaty and if you're not careful you get sweat marks all over your shirt. Fuck. I already can't wait until the show is over. Or at least until we get into performances. Things are much calmer for me when we get to performances.

I finally got my blood retested on Friday. It took so long cuz the form they sent me to get retested was accidentally thrown away, and then I asked them to send another but then my doctor was on vacation and they could only send the form with the doctor's consent. So two weeks later I get the form and they took some blood. That's why I hate going to the doctors. It always feels like a month long visit. I'm really curious to know if I have hypothyroidism, even if it is a small case because it would really explain a lot. Weight gain (although I could hardly blame that on anyone but myself), tiredness (I always figured I was a lazy ass, but hey), depression (my whole life). I just hope they don't tell me to retest. It just seems to me like the copout answer instead of diagnosing something, anything.

Somehow I'm going to wake up early ~~tomorrow~~ today so I should get off the computer now. It's 2:15am. I'll be dead tired tomorrow. I try ever semester but I never can seem to reset my sleeping clock before school starts.